My real blast of pain
I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore. I felt tired of blogging, it seems my heart and mind doesn’t work. It seems like the world is falling on me. My heart aches so much that I couldn’t find any means to ease the pain even just for a while. I woke up today that I could hardly move, I don’t want to talk to anyone around. How I always wish I could go back to sleep and will not wake up. I ate my breakfast for almost an hour I think which is my normal time of meal runs for 15 minutes the most. I thought of a lot of things right now and my normal routines are really damn affected.
Currently, I feel my soul is empty. I’ve read others blog but seems I couldn’t feel anything. I lost my soul and I lost everything in me. So much I really wanted to laugh but I don’t want to laugh with a tear that falls down on my cheek and that feeling totally breaks my heart into two. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I feel so weak. I somehow know this kind of feeling way back, the kind of feeling like when you know somebody really loves you and she did everything for you because of the love she has, and when it ends between the two of you for some reasons that might your heart won’t really understand or might as well your heart refused to understand… you always come to think and feel of “I want her but I can’t…”
I should’ve prepared more of what will come today. What I felt now really is “ang hirap, parang bibigay na ako sa sakit na nararamdaman ko.” I wanted to be strong but my feelings are pulling back. My heart run my life too much because I always hope and longed for a love which I don’t have while growing up, somebody could fill up my whole being and those empty spaces in between. But looking back, and for now… “di bale na… na ako ang nasaktan sa huli basta siya okay lang and basta maging masaya lang siya… okay na rin ako don” I am sincere to that because I know how much that person loves me, and I know how far her love can go. Sometimes, pains are worth it because of the love that somehow made you happy and the source of your happiness. “kahit mahirap talaga pero kakayanin ko malagpasan ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.”
The person behind all these, the pain and happiness… “nagmahal lang naman yong tao kahit mali and hindi tama” pero wala pa rin tayo karapatan manghusga dahil mali and hindi man dapat or tama, tao din naman siya na natutong magmahal at nagbigay ng kaligayahan sa taong minsan naging siya ang buhay at lakas, nagbibigay sa taong minsan nawalan ng pagmamahal sa sarili. Nasaktan man ako sa huli, nawalan man ako ng respeto sa sarili ko at nasira man ako pero mas higit ang nawala sa kanya kaysa ano man ang sakin dahil sa minsang pinaglaban niyang pagmamahal na kahit alam niya mali and hindi dapat.
Right now, I’m bringing back myself to what I was when I never knew loved at all. Love will always be in my memory and in my heart forever but for now I will just come to live on my own and I’ll take some time to be alone. I will gain back everythin in me in time… in right and perfect time… “Mamahalin ko muna sarili ko for the meantime” Whenever I am okay, better and ready… I will be back around in here. Until then…Ciao
